I am loved and I know it. I am loved by the Godhead, and I know that. What I’m talking about in particular is that I am loved by humans but mainly women. Nothing sexually perverted (any more), thank God – but everything intense. I am intensely loved by the women in my life, such that I often shake my head. Am I bragging? Absolutely not. I am wondering… first, what I did to deserve such awesomely blessed and anointed friends (two in particular); second, what they did to be assigned to me!
I’ve had a lot of sorrow and misfortune in my life, but so have they – so has everyone for that matter.
There’s a point of frustration in what has been a lifelong situation for me… it’s that men don’t persevere. When it comes to me, I mean, they just don’t stay around. Am I lamenting? A bit, probably. But I’m also telling an unfortunate truth. It seems that, with men, I’m Teflon – and with women, I’m Velcro. I know what I’m saying is very dangerous to say to the minds of some but, again, I’m not speaking of any sexual perversions.
For the most part, women respond relationally to loyalty, understanding, honest communication, and affection. The visceral world incites them, heavily, to friendship and bonding. I think I was created to have daughters; but that won’t happen without lasting commitment to a male. That bond eludes me. It just does. Not lamenting, just speaking from experiences all too familiar and puzzling. Pity partying? No; I haven’t time for it. Indulging honest emotions? Yes.
The truth is, I thank God for my female friends who love me so and who are devoted to my purpose in Jesus. I have been alone most of my adult life as it pertains to “family” (blood relations), so I have greatly needed my sisters in Christ; especially the ones who have deeply adjusted their lives around me in sisterhood. That’s been important.
If I sound confused, I’m not. Truth is, I’m astounded that people would take the time to get to know the true “me”, and then love me so. God has made me a “friend” by His definition because He knew I would need true and lasting friends; He knew that I was the otherwise abandoned one and that these ladies had the benevolent hearts to make room for me within their emotions. I just never dreamed things would go so deep for each of them towards me.
In a way, I think I’m saying I don’t feel worthy of such love; but I know I am because God brought them to me. Ever try to figure out God with the flesh? YOU CAN’T DO IT – what a joke to try. So you have to let Holy Spirit tell you what’s really going on or you’ll get indigestion nothing in the drug store can cure. You have to allow God to show you the beneficent hearts He has sent your way as gifts of kindness, friendship, sisterhood, and confidants… you have to let Him speak and tell you what’s all around you in love and dire circumstance of acceptance and unconditional devotion. You have to let Him give you patience, also, because they’re just as human as you are. You have to.
There are men who are my brothers in Christ – actually, only two of them – and I am grateful for them. As far as those who’ve abandoned God’s call on their lives concerning coupling with me – also two of them – I don’t know what to say other than I forgive them… I choose to forgive and not give way to the “hurt little girl” lurking in every shadow. I thank God for the two male friends I have who have prayed for me and smiled and prayed for me again. It’s redeemed my faith in God’s ability to indwell any heart. For now, that’s all I can say about men.
The women in my life are another story entirely. Almost disconcertingly, in terms of devotion and intensity of loyalty and Godly emotions, I’ve never been loved so well.