“Pastor” – A Giant Chisel in the Hand of God

I know this is a serious call.  I NEVER thought it would include me.  I mean it.  No false modestly or humility here… only truth.  In so many ways I know it’s still undefinable.  I’m looking for a way to “define” it to my personality, because that’s the kind of person I am.  God wants me to be another way, however, concerning LEANING on and TRUSTING in Him alone.  There’s the rub of transformation, my friends!  “Pastor” is not a job, it’s a (good) “Condition of the Heart”.

It’s interesting, though; the other day (a few weeks ago) God and I had a conversation where I was talking to Him about not having children in my life just yet.  I was also crying to Him about not wanting to be “selfish” anymore.  I put the two thoughts together and God connected them for me.

How’s He “chiseling” Me?

“Children grow you up”, I heard a man very dear to me say.  I believe this is true.  But with no children of my own yet, I said to God that a very critical component of learning SELFLESSNESS is missing in my life.  I know it’s through NO fault of God’s, or of mine, for that matter. So… I said to God, “Father, I need to learn selflessness some other way because children are not an option right now.”  How are You going to teach me this? He basically said, I’ve already put something else in your life to give you this quality:  I’ve called you to the Pastorate. Oh, my Lord everybody! Oh my sweet Lord!  I see it so clearly now…!  And it makes this call on me easier to bear because it’s not so much a task I’m undertaking as it is an avenue of Godly transformation to which I’m submitting.  Let me explain further so that I can hear my own heart in this. ( That’s often deeply necessary, you know?)

No pastor can give more to others than God gives to them.  In other words, you can’t teach what you don’t know – you can’t lead where you don’t go.  To communicate to others the enormously tender (downright mushy) heart of God, the supernaturally everlasting provision of God, and the unconditional love of God I must hold out my hands to God to receive these things in multiples through the avenue of true comprehension.

What?  What does that mean?

Well, the Lord once told me that His definition of “comprehend” is to know experientially.  In other words, to go through the stuff you’re teaching about.  Again, you can’t teach what you don’t know, etc.  That’s what Jesus did.  He was made the Captain of our salvation THROUGH sufferings… through going through all the muck and mire that makes one handsome and whole in God.  So I’m going through the avenues of wholly depending upon God to meet ALL my needs, and, for me, the REAL fire in this is realizing that I have NEVER truly understood and comprehended that I am NOT my own supply IN ANY WAY!  I admit it – prior to this calling and testing and transformation wrought by God – I did not understand it.

I would say pious stuff like, God is the One Who got me this job – and I meant it.  But because I didn’t truly understand it or its honest application to my life and heart, it was just a sentence of cool words I clung to in gratitude.  Now God graciously accepted that gratitude from me, but He had a totally different world of understanding in line about it to present unto me when I was ready.  A world of comprehending experientially… to know in understanding applied to my life’s experiences in not being able to supply a single cent of what I want for myself in finances of myself… what a joke that now is to my psyche and to my senses, and to my reality in understanding and comprehending Him! And Holy Spirit gently told me, “Sharon, you’ve NEVER been your own source for ANYTHING, ever.”  Period.  No one ever is…

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.”  (James 1:17)  Amen.

He is Faithful

And God supplies, every day and every month, the things I need to keep on going in Him.  A “job” doesn’t do it – I stopped receiving unemployment checks over a year ago – and the transcription I’m paid for online is wonderful, but it doesn’t do a thing to defray the costs of living my set-apart life in Him in the way that I do.  GOD DOES IT ALL, friends, and He’s always done it all.  Even when I thought He just supplied the job and I earned the paycheck, I was absolutely dreaming! GOD DID IT ALL THEN, and HE’S DOING IT ALL NOW.

That’s a major lesson and transformation of my complete psyche He’s affecting through His call to the Pastorate in my life.  Really, I don’t believe anything else – any kind of lesson in living – would have been as effective in teaching me that.  And the power of learning how God’s heart can impact the hearts of those around me towards unselfish giving has made a purely unselfish heart out of mine.  It’s still going on within me; I can feel it increasing every day.

I don’t believe I will ever pass by a need in the Body of Christ (or anywhere for that matter) without sincerely asking God if I can contribute to its relief in some way, because I (now) truly know what it is to need someone to just give you things, with no strings attached… even if you cannot repay.  And I know what it is to see hearts willing to give in the same vein, never even looking to be repaid.  That’s amazing selfLESSness, people.  My Sweet Lord Jesus, that’s amazing.

More of this later, I’m sure… these thoughts are never-ending.

SHAMMA

How do I love Thee? Let me count the blogs…

When the blogs are at rest for a while, so am I.

I don’t mean to imply that there is a time of unrest in me about blogging or my writing in general because there isn’t.  There’s only a time of expectancy or slight urgency when I’m late for a post.  Readers are loyal and I really appreciate that.  I’ve discovered that truth since blogging because, before November 2012, I’d never blogged publicly.  Never, although I’ve written nearly all my life.

No matter what you’re writing, it seems there’s always someone out there willing to read it, and that I find satisfying and downright kind.  I’m like that, too, though… so why wouldn’t everyone else be?  :0)

Seasons Change

I’m different people when I blog.  Did I want to say that?  Did I mean that? I don’t think so… not precisely.  I believe what I mean is that different sides of me (or qualities in me) emerge depending upon the blog I’m in, as though each one is a different seasonal home.  For example, when I’m in my summer home, I wear the fewest clothes.  I say the most personal things (in terms of testimony), and I bathe in the heat of God’s anointing to transparency in me like I would in the sunrays on my favorite beach.

When I’m packed in tightly for the winter, however, my focus is on comfort, restoration, thawing, and healing from all the sharp winter winds and shards of ice falling from the emotionally-dead trees God has removed and burned from my life.  Rigored branches SNAP mercilessly as their splintered fingers stab my hands like brown switchblades… and their cold, stark lessons I’ll never forget.

Then there’s the fall where I celebrate the life God brings from death in the season just passed.  To me, fall is a time of colorful rest before the turning and transitioning and hibernation of winter.  Summer’s gone, but valuable lessons have been learned in the process.

Wow, each one of those “seasons” is a place in me… a place where I meet the world in a blog with what the Lord has shown me and wants to show them through me.  I suppose this new blog is my springtime where “it is what it is, folks”, and I can blossom and bloom all over the place, saying and singing whatever I want, like the larks and blue jays that carry the morning songs into the day and let noon sunshine and pleasant breezes have their way with whoever’s on the scene.  I say what I want here, and I like it… very much.  It’s very much needed to celebrate the life God has put in me – just because.  To talk about the 3 blogs without really blogging… to just be me.  I love that.  Thank God.

Daddy’s Girl

I’d say Daddy’s Girl is the summer blog I was talking about, where I am the most transparent about what God has done for me.  (I’m not posting a link to it right here because the main menu’s got it for your reading pleasure).  The back story to that blog – straight from the writer’s mouth – is that when God said I was ready, I asked Him in my heart if I could please have a blog where I’d tell the world the whole TRUTH about the merciful and tender, loving kindness of His heart.  God has been so maligned.  He’s been made the “bad guy” at every turn, and He’s anything but that.  It reminds me of the enemy telling black people and Native Americans that Jesus is “the white man’s God”, hoping to rob them of their true destiny and place in Him.  I always thought that was SO cruel and insidious… so hateful.  But look at the source, Sharon… what did you think was going to come from the enemy? Truth and roses?  C’mon now,  sweetie…

Anyway, through Daddy’s Girl, God has allowed me to tell the world about His tender heart through personal testimony about what He’s done for me.  I promised Him I would do that with the writing eloquence He’s given me, and He granted my request so now, in it, I tell everyone what He’s graciously and tenderly done in my life.  He’s done a lot… I mean, really a lot.  Holy Spirit’s heat and power is in Daddy’s Girl posts; I feel it when I write them.  I’m so grateful to God for it.  I consider it my main blog where all the others fruit from, you know?  “Fruit from” is a good term – I think I just made it up, but it says what I want – so there you are.  :0)

To Be Continued…

I have more to say about the blogs than I thought, and I want to say so here at length, giving each blog a thorough running over in my heart’s desire for them and my emotional views of their existence.  This post is getting kind of long, though, so I think I’ll retire for now and (Lord willing) come back to this tomorrow where I can talk about the other blogs, their priceless effect on me, and living for Jesus – telling the world about what He’s taught me.

Writing is His generous expression, through my hands, of the love He feels for me.  I know it. It has to be… I feel so lovely when I write, and He is the focus all around.  All around me, all around this house, all around what I do and see and think and feel all day long in His Presence.  There’s nothing like spending time with Him.  Of course He expresses Himself in many other delightful and intensely personal ways during worship and intimate time with me… but that’s another marvelous matter.

Lord willing, more tomorrow.

;0)  Shamma